you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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