Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
