They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
