I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
