I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
