The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
