i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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