The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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