see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
