I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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