omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
