I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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