If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
