shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
