tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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