God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
