I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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