first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Drunk is not a location!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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