you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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