I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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