You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Come on in and take your pants off
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