I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
