If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
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