woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
