My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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