you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Couch. On fire.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
