the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
