I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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