if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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