btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
