my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
