can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
