I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Operation Purity has been aborted
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize