he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I will pee on everything he values.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
