I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
