Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
