my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
