she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
