Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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