we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
