I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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