Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
