The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
