happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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