There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
