Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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