He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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