I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
