The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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