if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
