I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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