why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
