You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
