There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
