his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My penis needs a shock collar
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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