Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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