I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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