I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
