Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
