first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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