Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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